We've been studying how Christians should relate to others when out in society. Today we study how Christians should relate to each other in the home. One thing we must keep in mind as we read this passage is that it is intended for Christian households. That doesn't mean we shouldn't follow these principles if our spouse isn't a Christian, but we have to remember that we can't force an unbelieving spouse to follow these principles. Performing our own role faithfully will not necessarily cause our unbelieving spouse to perform their role faithfully. Having said that, I think there's a better chance of leading our spouse to the Lord if we do obey the instructions we're about to read.
Paul begins by reminding us that we are all commanded to honor and respect each other, not seeking only our own wellbeing but also being concerned for the wellbeing of others. "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ." (Ephesians 5:21) Paul will makes this same statement in his letter to the Philippians when he urges them not to just look out for their own interests but to also look out for the interests of others. (Philippians 2:3) Christ said the same thing when He commanded us to love each other in the same way He has loved us. (John 13:34, John 15:12) So we see that the main objective in our relationships with others is to love them in a Christlike way.
Paul addresses himself first to the wives. "Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, His body, of which He is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything." (Ephesians 5:22-24) You can see why it's so important that we recognize that Paul is writing this letter to believers. He's not talking to women in abusive relationships. He's not talking to men who think women are useless except in the kitchen or the bedroom. When the word "submission" comes up these are the things a lot of people think it means. The idea of godly submission has been twisted into something it was never meant to be. Many women think of it as putting themselves in a position where they are inferior and powerless. Many men think of it as an order for their wives to obey their every whim like servants. We don't see Paul telling women to submit to disrespect and abuse; in a Christian household we should never find such things. We don't see Paul advising men to treat their wives as second-class citizens; in the Christian household we should never find this attitude. What he's saying is something like this, "The Lord has given the husband the role of leadership in the home. The husband's job is to love his family and to provide for and protect his wife and children. In obedience to the Lord, respect the position your husband holds in the household. Allowing your husband to have the final word does not make you inferior to him. Christ submitted Himself to God and allowed God to have the final word, but this does not make Christ inferior to God."
Next Paul moves on to the husbands, and I want you to notice that he has far more instructions for the husbands than for the wives. This is because the Lord holds the husband more accountable than the wife for the wellbeing of the family. In putting the man in the role of leader, God gave the man the huge responsibility of setting the spiritual example for his family. The husband isn't fulfilling the requirements of his office if he only provides materially for his family. "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to Himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless." (Ephesians 5:25-27) God is going to hold Christian husbands accountable for the spiritual conditions of their wives. I don't know about you, but I personally don't want to be accountable for someone else's spiritual condition. That is an enormous and frightening responsibility! But after Paul tells the husband to fulfill the wife's need for emotional intimacy by saying, "Love her in the way Christ loves the church, putting her needs before yours", he then says, "Study and know the word of God so you can instruct your wife in godly living. Be the person she comes to when she needs guidance. Be the first person she thinks of when she wants someone to pray with her."
Because Christ loves the church (His bride) so much He'd do anything to protect and care for her, husbands are to follow His example. "In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church---for we are members of His body." (Ephesians 5:28-30) We have a built-in instinct for self-preservation, and it's a good thing we do or else we wouldn't survive very long. Paul tells husbands to feel as protective about the needs of their wives as they feel about the needs of their own bodies. This includes every type of need the wife may have, whether it's material or physical or emotional or spiritual.
Why is caring for his wife the same as caring for his own body? Because the nature of marriage is explained by God in this way: "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." (Ephesians 5:31) This quote comes from Genesis 2:24 when God explained that the husband and wife are now one unit. They are no longer two separate people, so they have to always think about what's best for them as a unit and not what is best for them as two individuals.
Christ and His bride the church are one unit now, and this is a subject too big for even the Apostle Paul to understand or explain. "This is a profound mystery---but I am talking about Christ and the church." (Ephesians 5:32) The relationship between Christ and the church, and the love Christ feels for the church, is something none of us can fully understand with our human minds. Why did the holy Son of God love us so much that He was willing to die for us? Why did He want us in His life so much that He was willing to do anything it took to win us over?
But not being able to completely comprehend the love of Christ for the church should not hinder us from using His relationship with the church as our example for marriage, so Paul concludes by saying, "However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." (Ephesians 5:33) He says, "Husbands must love their wives as Christ loves the church. Wives must respect their husbands as the church respects Christ."
You can see why this only works well in a marriage where both partners are Christians. However, if a Christian woman is married to an unbeliever, and if he is not an abusive man (no one is telling a woman to submit to abuse), showing him the respect due a husband has the potential to win him over to Christ. If a Christian man is married to an unbeliever, and if he loves and cares for his wife as the Bible says he should, he may well win her over to Christ. We should not, of course, marry someone who is an unbeliever, but there are cases where after marriage one partner became a believer and the other did not, so in today's passage we find instructions for how to behave so that the unbelieving spouse can admire our obedience to the Lord. In admiring our behavior, this person may come to admire Christ and may give his or her heart to Christ.
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