Peter talks today about obedience in the home, and we need to remember as we study this that ultimately he is speaking about the obedience of both husband and wife to the Lord. He will tell us that the wife is to obey the Lord and respect her husband, but he will also tell us the husband is to obey the Lord and love his wife. While it is Biblically true that God has made the husband the head of the home and has told the wife to respect the office her husband holds, God has told the husband to respect the office He holds. A man who obeys the Lord will treat his wife as he should, and the wife who obeys the Lord will treat her husband as she should. In this way Peter tells us that the believing spouse may be able to convert the spouse who is not yet a Christian.
When Paul taught on marriage he was primarily speaking of maintaining order in the home, so he talked about the husband's God-given authority in the home. Paul was teaching the obedience of the Christian wife to the Christian husband, so we had to keep in mind that he was not telling the wife to submit to any type of abuse or immorality. He said the husband was to love the wife as Christ loves the church; in other words, sacrificially. Paul was not a married man so he spoke on the authority of God regarding marriage. Peter was a married man so he is able to speak on the authority of God and on the authority of experience. Let's keep in mind that when Peter speaks today of the submission of the Christian wife to the non-Christian husband, he isn't ordering any woman to remain where she is in danger. He is telling the woman how to win her husband to Christ through her behavior. He has a word for the husband as well, explaining to the husband how to behave in order to win his wife to Christ. I think Peter had experience, at least for a time, in being the only believing partner in his own marriage. He met Jesus before his wife met Him, so he probably believed Jesus was Lord before his wife believed this. We don't know whether she was converted before or after the resurrection, but we can be certain Peter's love for her went a long way in influencing her in the faith.
First we will look at what the wife is supposed to do. "Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives." (1 Peter 3:1-2) The apostle is saying to women who have become Christians but whose husbands are still unsaved, "Behave as women of God and treat your husbands with respect. Remember how I said to show respect for your nation's leaders and for your employers even when their character is not what it should be? The Lord has commanded us all to treat those in authority with respect. Wives are to view the office of the husband with respect, even if these husbands are not believers."
Here is a lesson that was hard for me to learn, but it is a priceless lesson: wives have more influence on husbands through behavior than through words. Some men may give in and go to church only because their wives have nagged them into going, but what good will it do if they are sitting on the pew feeling bored or resentful? Another thing that probably won't work is tacking up a Bible verse (another form of using words) somewhere in the house. Back in the days when my husband didn't go to church and when he wasn't living according to the word of God, I would sometimes tape up a Bible verse that was dear to my heart either on the bathroom mirror or on the refrigerator. Did I hope the sight of this verse would cause my husband to fall to his knees in repentance as he reached inside the fridge for some milk? Probably so. But it never happened. Does pointing out ungodly behavior to our husbands work? Usually not. They are going to feel disrespected and they are going to feel unappreciated for the things they are doing right.
So what is the believing wife to do? Peter says to display lives of purity and reverence. Husbands are going to notice if their wives strive to honor the Lord in everything they do and say. Even non-Christian men admire good women. I used to joke about this when I was young and single, but it's true: even "bad boys" are attracted to "good girls". Before I was married there were as many non-Christian single men who wanted to date me as Christian single men, and this is because no man wants to marry a woman who will be unfaithful or embarrass him. Men want to be able to admire their wives' character and they want others to admire their wives' character. This is why Peter says for wives to behave in ways that will make their husbands proud. Even if the husband doesn't honor the Lord, it's going to be hard for him to find fault with a woman who is moral and faithful and whose character is praised by others.
Next Peter tells wives that if they are holding onto their husbands only with sex appeal, they are in trouble. "Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of jewelry and fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. They submitted themselves to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear." (1 Peter 3:3-6)
Peter isn't saying we shouldn't look our best. Husbands appreciate it when wives put in the effort to look nice. Peter just wants us to understand that that we can attract a man by being beautiful or provocative, but we can't keep a man through sex appeal. There are always going to be women who are more beautiful than us, or women who are younger than us, or women who are more sexually alluring than us. Outer beauty may attract a man initially, but it is inner beauty that keeps a man interested. There has to be something of substance to us, and the best way to be a woman of substance is to be a woman of God. Women of God are continually growing in faith and knowledge and character. Women of God are always fresh and new because God's word is always fresh and new. Women of God are exciting to be around because the Christian life is exciting. Men who are married to Christian women are married to women who are growing and changing for the better, so that these men never know what great thing is going to happen next. This doesn't affair-proof our marriages, because some men are never going to come to the faith and they may walk away, but if we attracted our husbands by beauty and not by character we are in trouble because the world is full of beautiful women. The more we work on our inner beauty, the more beautiful we become in every way.
Now we move on to what the husband is supposed to do. "Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers." (1 Peter 3:7) How do husbands show love to their wives? By being considerate of their wives' feelings and opinions. A wife who feels loved is a happy wife, and a happy wife is more likely to be influenced by her husband's faith and end up coming to Christ. A man who treats his wife with disrespect and who dismisses her opinions is not in a position to influence her for Christ. How can he tell her about the love of Christ when he isn't displaying love to his wife?
God made women smaller in stature than men, so men who take advantage of this are in stark disobedience to the Lord's instructions. A husband who bullies his wife mentally, emotionally, or physically is sinning against the Lord and against his wife and against his own flesh, according to the Scriptures, because when God joins a husband and wife together they become one flesh. A godly man will protect his wife and want the best for her. Even if she is an unbeliever, what woman doesn't admire a man who will fight for her and who would even give his life to save hers? What woman, good or bad, doesn't want a hero? Why would a Christian woman look outside her marriage when a man who truly loves and protects her is already in the home? This kind of man can even influence an unbelieving wife to come to the faith. He is not guaranteed that his non-Christian wife won't walk away, but he stands a better chance of bringing her to the Lord and keeping his marriage intact if he is treating her as the Lord commands.
Peter adds a word of warning to the husband who does not treat his wife properly: his prayers will be hindered. The Lord does not have to answer the prayers of a man who isn't fulfilling all the duties of his office as husband. So if any Christian man feels like his prayers are bouncing off the ceiling, he should spend some time reflecting on whether he is obeying the Lord in his attitude toward his wife. This warning is only given to the husband because he bears the most responsibility for representing Christ in the home. If he isn't loving his wife sacrificially as Christ loves the church, he isn't fulfilling the duties the Lord assigned to him, and the Lord has the right to turn a deaf ear to his prayers.
Do we want strong and happy marriages? I don't think anyone gets married hoping it isn't going to last. We will have a better chance at a long and happy marriage if we follow the instructions in our portion of Scripture today. Each person is given free will, and we can't control what our spouses may do, but if we ourselves live in obedience to the Lord, we are more likely to influences our spouses and we are more likely to have happy homes.
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