Solomon gives some advice today on how to have satisfying relationships with our neighbors, our friends, and our spouses. Much of the success of these relationships depends upon us and whether or not we maintain godly and respectful attitudes toward others.
"If you find honey, eat just enough---too much of it and you will vomit. Seldom set foot in your neighbor's house---too much of you, and they will hate you." (Proverbs 25:16-17) Solomon says, "Don't overdo anything. Just as eating too much will make you sick, dropping in on your neighbor every day will make him sick of you. Don't wear out your welcome. He doesn't want to hear you knocking on his door every morning before he's even had his coffee! Don't become a nuisance to him."
"Like a club or a sword or a sharp arrow is one who gives false testimony against a neighbor. Like a broken tooth or a lame foot is reliance on the unfaithful in a time of trouble. Like one who takes away a garment on a cold day, or like vinegar poured on a wound, is one who sings songs to a heavy heart." (Proverbs 25:18-20) This is more advice about being a good neighbor. Don't gossip about him and make up stories. Don't be unreliable when he needs help. Don't make merry when he's feeling down; instead, as the Apostle Paul said, "mourn with those who mourn". (Romans 12:15) We are to share in the life experiences of those around us. We aren't to be out of touch with what they're going through. If our friend is sad, we ought to feel sad for him. If our friend is happy, we ought to rejoice with him. Friendship relies on experiences that bond us together, and one thing that really cements a friendship is being there for someone in their darkest hour.
This next passage will probably sound familiar to you, since the Apostle Paul quotes these same words in the book of Romans. "If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat; if he is thirsty, give him water to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head, and the Lord will reward you." (Proverbs 25:21-22) This goes along with Jesus' command to "love your enemies". (Matthew 5:44) But what does Solomon mean when he says that treating our enemy kindly will heap burning coals on his head? It makes us picture some fire and brimstone raining down on our enemy, doesn't it? But I don't think that's what it means, and neither do a number of very reputable Bible scholars who certainly know lots more about the Scriptures than I do. The best explanation I've ever heard for verse 22 came from Dr. Charles Stanley on his radio program. He said that the kindness we show toward our enemy is intended to warm his cold heart, that the "burning coals" are a metaphor for the melting of the ice inside a person. When we overcome evil with good (Romans 12:21), we just might achieve the softening of our enemy's heart toward the Lord and toward the Lord's people. Another good explanation is given by Bible scholar James Coffman, "This is a metaphor referring to the pangs of conscience that an enemy will experience upon receiving such undeserved treatment." It wouldn't fit with Solomon's instructions in Chapter 25 if he were advising us to do something that would bring harm to our enemy, since he's been telling us how to treat our fellow man in a godly fashion.
"Like a north wind that brings unexpected rain is a sly tongue---which provokes a horrified look." (Proverbs 25:23) Have you ever known anyone who could suddenly say something, out of the blue, that cut you to the quick? Isn't it hurtful and horrifying when they do that? That's the type of person we can never relax with because we always have to be on guard. With a friend like that, we don't need enemies. The king is telling us not to be that kind of person. Our words should be used for encouragement and instruction, not to harm our fellow man.
He now repeats a theme he's spoken on before, "Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife." (Proverbs 25:24) Solomon isn't providing us with an excuse for divorce. He isn't saying, "If you've married someone who is hard to get along with, just go and file for divorce." Throughout the book of Proverbs he's been speaking to his young son and to other young men who have gathered to hear his wisdom. Since these fellows are presumably still single, I think he's giving premarital rather than marital advice. They will soon be old enough to choose a wife and start a family, so the king warns them, "Carefully investigate the character of the person you plan to marry. Choose wisely! If you don't, you will end up keeping to yourself in a corner of the house just to stay out of your wife's way. Make certain the person you plan to marry has a godly personality. If you choose wisely, you will end up with a true helpmate, a woman who can be your best friend."
I'm not here to criticize anyone who has ever gotten divorced. Sometimes it's unavoidable, such as when the spouse is abusive or unfaithful and refuses to change. Sometimes a spouse may walk away and divorce us even though we want to work things out. But I've heard a number of couples give the reason for their divorce as, "We just couldn't get along." I want to put forth the opinion that quarreling is a symptom of something deeper that's going on. I can say this because there once was a great deal of quarreling in my own marriage which will be twenty-three years old on Sunday. I came close to being divorced myself, so I'm not putting anyone down who has gone that route. I'm just saying that quarreling happens sometimes because one or both people in the marriage is too prideful to admit to being wrong, or that each of them has to have their own way. It could be an inability to truly commit to being a couple and an unwillingness to consider what's best for the marriage rather than what's best for each person individually. It could be that one or both of them is living in a way that's contrary to God's word. But quarreling is more of a symptom than a cause. I think in most cases a quarrelsome marriage could be saved if we could just get to the root of the problem.
Today the king has given us advice on how to be good neighbors, good friends, and good spouses. The Lord created us with a need for relationships and He knows best how to nurture these relationships. If we follow His instructions we can't go wrong.
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