Earlier in Chapter 13 Amnon described his feelings for Tamar as "love" to his advisor Jonadab. But love is not cruel and violent. Love is patient and kind, has no wish to dishonor anyone, is not self-seeking, and takes no delight in doing evil. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7) Amnon was only "in lust" with Tamar and now that his lust is satisfied he wants her gone.
Why does he hate her, though? I've puzzled over this a lot and I asked my husband about it to get a man's perspective. He doesn't know, not being a man who would do such as thing as Amnon did, but the only conclusion that comes close to feeling right to us is that Tamar's presence reminds Amnon of his sin. He can't stand the sight of her now because he can't stand to think about what he's done. He knows he committed a terrible crime against this innocent woman. He has a gnawing sense of guilt over it. Deep down, it's probably himself he hates, but that's a difficult feeling to live with so he projects this hatred onto Tamar instead.
Tamar protests his orders to leave his house. "'No!' she said to him. 'Sending me away would be a greater wrong than what you have already done to me.'" (2 Samuel 13:16a) We studied yesterday the Old Testament law that says a man who does what Amnon has done must pay the young woman's father the steep bride price of fifty shekels of silver and then he must marry her and can never divorce her for any reason. If the woman's father does not want the man to marry his daughter, the man still owes the fifty shekels of silver because her father may be unable to arrange a marriage for her with someone else. When Tamar protests being sent away, she is insisting upon being granted her rights under the law. But Amnon doesn't want to marry her. He wants to sweep this whole incident under the rug as if it never happened and he doesn't care how that will affect her. "But he refused to listen to her. He called his personal servant and said, 'Get this woman out of my sight and bolt the door after her.' So his servant put her out and bolted the door after her. She was wearing an ornate robe, for this was the kind of garment the virgin daughters of the king wore. Tamar put ashes on her head and tore the ornate robe she was wearing. She put her hands on her head and went away, weeping aloud as she went." (2 Samuel 13:16b-19)
We learned in yesterday's text that Amnon lived in his own separate house and Tamar lived at the palace, or at least that's where she was when David sent for her. Upon being thrown out of Amnon's house, she goes to her full brother Absalom, perhaps thinking he will take the situation in hand and make Amnon do as the law requires. Many scholars speculate that she goes to her brother Absalom instead of to her father David because she can't count on David being strict with Amnon. Amnon is David's eldest son and presumed heir to the throne; David has likely been in the habit of fawning over Amnon and giving him everything his heart desires. When Tamar appears at Absalom's house with holes torn in her robe and ashes on her head as a sign of grief and mourning, he immediately suspects what has happened. "Her brother Absalom said to her, 'Has that Amnon, your brother, been with you?'" (2 Samuel 13:20a)
Why does he immediately know what has happened? Perhaps he was aware that Tamar had been called to Amnon's house to minister to him in his supposed illness. But no doubt Absalom expected the presence of Amnon's many servants to be a deterrent to any lewd behavior on Amnon's part. It probably didn't occur to him that Amnon would throw all of the servants out of the house so there would be no one to come to Tamar's aid. He wouldn't have expected Amnon to send everyone out of the house because that would look suspicious and he didn't think his brother would be so bold or so careless as to have it widely known that he arranged to be alone with Tamar to have his way with her. Some of the commentaries I consulted suggest that Amnon had a reputation for sexually harassing women and that, as soon as Absalom saw the terrible state his sister was in, he instantly knew Amnon had lost control of himself and had violated her.
What will Absalom do about this shocking situation? Will he march over to his elder half-brother's house and demand that he obey the law? Or will he go to the palace and place this case before David and ask for satisfaction from the law? He very well may have gone to David, since as we conclude today's passage we find David being aware of the incident, but Absalom doesn't confront Amnon himself. The first thing he does is comfort Tamar as best he knows how. He says, "Be quiet for now, my sister; he is your brother. Don't take this thing to heart." (2 Samuel 13:20b) He reminds her that she is the innocent party and has nothing to feel ashamed about. She can go out in public with her head held high, as she always did before, knowing she has always been and still is a virtuous woman. Absalom places Tamar under his care and invites her to live full time in his household where he will provide for her. "And Tamar lived in her brother Absalom's house, a desolate woman." (2 Samuel 13:20c) I assume that the use of the word "desolate" means "unmarried". I don't know whether her family never sought a husband for her or if a good match could not be made for her after she was attacked by Amnon. You would think, though, that even in an era when men preferred to marry virgins (whether or not the men themselves were virgins---a double-standard, in other words) becoming son-in-law to the king would have been an attractive prospect. I have doubts that it would have been impossible to arrange a suitable marriage for Tamar when you consider that a number of men might have jumped at the chance to become a member of the royal family, at least after enough time had passed to be certain Tamar wasn't carrying Amnon's child. It may be that Tamar never wanted to marry after this traumatizing experience.
Absalom does nothing right away to avenge his sister's honor, with the possible exception of going to his father with this awful news. He likely expected David to take action, as it was more his place than anyone's as their father and as their king. David is enraged by the news but does nothing to remedy the situation. "When King David heard all this, he was furious. And Absalom never said a word to Amnon, either good or bad; he hated Amnon because he had disgraced his sister Tamar." (2 Samuel 13:21-22) I think David feels immobilized by the guilt of his own sexual sins, which are really no secret to his family, to his servants, and to many citizens of the nation. I think when he pictures himself judging Amnon for his crime and ordering him to do for Tamar what the law commands, he feels like a hypocrite. He feels guilty for not having set a good example for his sons to follow when it comes to sexual matters. But in not taking action, David is compounding his errors of the past by allowing them to keep him from doing what's right today. His sons know about his sin of adultery but they also know he repented of that sin. They know he hasn't committed it again (nor will he, apparently, because the Bible never mentions another incident of that nature).
What he could have done is arranged a father-and-son meeting to first apologize to Amnon for not setting a godly example for him to follow. He could have acknowledged his mistakes as a father while also reminding his son that he endured a great deal of grief and unpleasant consequences as a result of those mistakes. He could have reminded Amnon that he repented of adultery and is still sorry, to this very day, for ever doing such a thing. David has a duty as the father of Amnon and Tamar to take control of this situation and turn it around. He has a duty as the king of Israel to see to it that the laws of the land are enforced. If a father in Israel had come into his court and accused a man of raping his daughter, and if that accusation appeared to be true based on the testimony of everyone involved and based on any circumstantial evidence that existed, we can be sure that David would have enforced the law of the land against the perpetrator of the crime. The guilty man would have been ordered to pay the fifty shekels of silver to the woman's father and, if the father was willing to have the man as a son-in-law, a wedding would have taken place right away. If the father was not willing to have the man as a son-in-law, the guilty party would still have to pay the woman's father the fifty shekels of silver to restore honor to the family and to offset the potential cost of the father having to support her for the rest of his life.
But David says and does nothing to Amnon. Absalom says and does nothing to Amnon---for now. But he will take action when an opportunity presents itself. He will have his half-brother Amnon, crown prince of Israel, killed for his crime against Tamar. And because Absalom is so disappointed in his father's failure to step up as a father and a king, he will later campaign against David in an effort to usurp the throne.
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